Thursday, October 7, 2010
The Bridge of Peace
Cindy Woodsmall
Silently fighting offense as he never had before, he felt displaced, as if
he weren't really there. Yet he noticed every movement and every word.
Lennie held he arms out for Ivan, asking if he wanted to pet the doggy.
Ivan went to her. She gently commanded Nicky to lie down. The dog
obeyed, and Lennie knelt beside Ivan while they petted the dog and
talked about her fur being soft, like a rabbit's.
Calmly watching the sky like he hadn't seen it before, he felt amazed, it was
as is he and the clouds were alone in this world. Yet he could hear people
around him. Andrew held his arms out for his sister, begging her to play with
him. She went to him. He kindly played with her. The two played, and
Andrew helped his sister swing while they talked about how
the motion was soothing, like a hot bath.
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Good imitation. Look at the first sentence of each passage. Do you see how in the model, "as if" introduces the dependent clause? You have made the first sentence into a comma splice/run on sentence by introducing the second clause with "it was as if." If you needed the "it was," you had to either separate the second part of the sentence with a semicolon or make it a new sentence.
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